In Heaven Everything Is Fine

In the constant twilight of Space, madness escapes neither man nor beast. One can only think of home to try to survive the long, dark days. "Are you a Banana?" a man-made astronaut feverishly questions as his sanity turns.

Confusion in Space

In Space, spaceships can often be confused with spacedicks.

Temporarily unavailable

In space......be back soon......

Losing Market Share

In Space, Bounty is no longer the quicker picker upper.

Sinners Repent !

The Rapture is upon us, and in our eleventh hour those doomed to be left behind will be subjected to horrific plagues, Earth's bodies of water will curdle with the blood of the wicked, and demons will be released upon the unfaithful signifying the imminent destruction of the modern regime's sinful despotism. Most regrettably, those doomed to suffer the wrath of the almighty God will never know the gilded joys of space station Jerusalem, and its never-ending supply of astronaut ice cream.

Way to go, horny space-teen!!

In space, asking a hot chick to share a Space-Blanket with you is a much easier task than asking her to share one with you on Earth. However, there are documented cases of an Earth babe agreeing here on the mother planet (see above).

* Picture taken here on Earth...not Space

In space, NASA's only true unit of measurement is a Domino's Pizza box....Although, if you asked them, they would probably rattle off words like "light-years" and "parsecs"...

Name calling in space has to stop!

In space, the debate between which pun is funnier to say, Sugargay or Coldgay, is still going on. It is the opinion of this author that both are incredibly disgusting, homophobic and void of any humor at all.

VS

What light over yonder window YAWN.

In Space, Romeo? More like Bore-Meo.

Maury Paternity Test: The Results Are In!

In space, Luke, Darth Vader IS your father. Holy shit!! Can you believe it???

Kitten vies to return to birth planet

In space-- Thursday the 24th, Kuigon Xiu (aka Princess Fluffington) attempted to return to his birth planet of Hsif. It was a last ditch effort to return home after the completely emasculating domestication process of the Earth feline. Armed with only his citrus helmet and a home made rocket, Xiu blasted himself away from Earth's atmosphere. While thoroughly prepared to avoid scurvy, he was not prepared for the other treacheries of space. When asked why he had not tried contacting his alien brothers Xiu sarcastically acclaimed, "[How] the fuck am I supposed to phone home?!"while wildly shaking his badly burnt paws.

You have 10 seconds to Comply

In space, there is no Arrest Mode.

In space, no one can hear you steam....

Lost in Space: Dear John #0053

Dearest Ozzie Bear,

It must get very lonely out in space, just as it has gotten terribly lonely here back in Akron. I don't know how to tell you this, but our inter-planetary love affair is over (Houston... we have a problem ;$). I think I knew it was over when you made that ill-timed joke about my mother's weight issues. This must come as a shock to you, but after contemplating our future I have come to the conclusion that I am too good for the run-of-the-mill astronaut (a regular Dick Scobee!). I am returning the photo you sent me, as it will only remind me of the time I have wasted on you. Please do not try to contact me when you return to terra firma.

Hope theres no hard feelings,

Donna

P.s. Please return my Carol King LP's

Planet X Revealed!

In Space, often hypothetically regarded by scientists as a planet that has an orbit beyond the shores of Neptune, it is discovered that Planet X is, in actuality, only one of the many facets of Roger. When asked for his reaction on this scientific revelation Roger commented "am I surprised? Intrigued? Surprised again? Perhaps perplexed..." and then concluded, "No, no, definitely surprised..."

Though Elie Wiesel Was Our First Choice....

In Space, it's always night.

Is it me? Is it you? Who knows...Guess Who!!

In Space, game cards ACTUALLY talk.....

Painter of Light

In space, stars burn out but are quickly replaced with paintings by Thomas Kinkade.

The WAY-Uptown Man

In space, Billy Joel may sell out back-to-back nights at every major space station, but it's his impromptu appearances that make him a true, Universal Superstar....

Space Police Academy

In space, the Police will attend elite academies where they are trained to Serve and Protect, be bound by an unimpeachable Code of Honor and enforce the Rule of Space-Law fairly and equitably across the Galaxy. Equitably, therefore, the universe will be exploded in totality by Tackleberry.

No Cause for Bellobration

In space, Bello Nock can leap further and tease his coiffure higher but he cannot emphatically say, "Check these guys out!" while pointing at albino tigers because sound does not travel in a vacuum and tigers can't stand space helmets.

Space politics

In space, for everyone else’s benefit, the comedian Bobcat Goldthwait is declared an independent nation and a permanent and total embargo is being enforced by the United Space Nations.

And a one, and a Two...

In Space many of Earth's monolithic structures can still be seen. Egypt's pyramids, China's Great Wall, Kennecott's Open Pit Mine, and Chicago's Cubs... losing.

Nothing can stop......

In space, nothing can stop.......The Animal!!

Syphilis Invades Space

In Space, the posited fifth dimension will lead to a manifest destiny that knows NO bounds.

Three's Company

In space, the age-old controversy defining marriage as between a human and a human will finally be put to the test with the first union of a Man, a Man and a Machine.

Some things never change

In space, black is white, up is down, and short is long, but the power glove… is still so bad.

Kissing the Cook...In Space!

In space, all grills will play MP3s and all MP3 Players will make vegetarian shish-ka-bobs.

Stay out of the Space-Car Pool Lane

In space, mass transit is VERY dangerous....

Mothers, do not fear...

In space, after having his name exposed, Rumpelstiltskin decides to change his name to Rikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo so that no one can ever guess his name again. Meanwhile, the real Rikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo, knowing the dangers of having such a long name legally changes his name to Jeff. Currently, the dwarf formerly known as Rumpelstiltskin is believed to be at the bottom of a well somewhere and space is a little bit safer for all mothers and their babies.

A little history lesson

In space, celebrity fitness personality John Basedow will be the first person to find naturally occurring water, assuring man’s survival, and securing his place in space history.

Supper Time

In space, all meats will be served fried, deep-fried then chicken-fried. The potentially unlimited energy reserves of the sun will finally be realized as a power source for the Great Fryer in the Sky.

The REAL Captain

In Space there is only one captain and you can bet your sweet ass that he doesn't play ball.

THE Captain

In Space, Derek Jeter's space suit would have pinstripes....And he would bat a SC-BA (Space Career-Batting Average) of 1.000....

More Like SuperJERKOFF

In space, there are no witnesses.

And So It Goes...

In Space, After a traumatic bombing of an eastern European city... not only will you be put on display at an inter-planetary zoo with your incredibly gorgeous, naked, actress/mate... You will also be crazy, space crazy.

A Picture's Worth 1,000 Words

In space, you're the man now, dog!

Excuse me Teller, I'll have one space-loan please...

In space, when your bank says "no", Champion says "YES!!"

Eatin Good in the Neighborhood

In space, Larry, fueled by his insatiable desire for Mike's Big Mac, challenges Jordan to shoot out of a black hole, through the rings of Saturn, into the window, off the wall, nothing but net. They will both be ripped apart by Klingons.

Anything obtained on Earth will not be "grandfather-ed in"

In space, the search for union justice will have to start all over again............sorry :-(

VanDamned!

In space, the utter lack of a gravitational pull will cause all shots to the groin to be seen in super-slow-mo.

An Ounce of Prevention

In space, there are eighteen ways to protect your shuttle from attack. Twelve require titanium and the other six involve praying to Space Jesus.

Choose your own SPACE adventure!!!

In space, ALL Choose Your Own Adventure books end the same way......
IMPLOSION!!

God

In Space, Contrary to popular belief, it is discovered that God does not live inside of all of us, he is just a man behind a slightly larger curtain.

Steady Thumbs

In space. In space. Hi, ho, the derry-o. In space.

Parental Guidance Suggested

In space, 38 light years away, Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch hits the silver screen!

C-H-I-P-M-U-N-K

In space, we're the chipmunks: Alvin, Simon, Theodorbit.

A Close Shave

In space, even the most dramatic shifts in space-time contiua are considered paltry to the awe-inspiring power of five blades.

The Great War

In space, Stalin and Hitler play cribbage once a week, but Churchill still drinks alone.

Everyone Wins!

In space, man v. computer is the only literary conflict.

Original 13 Colonies

In space, dont tread on me.

America

In space, these colors don't run.

USA USA USA

In space no one can beat America in a moon race.

Vampires

In space no one can hear the vampires sucking the blood out of all of your crew members while you use the space-toilet.

Space Birthday

In Space, no one can hear you scream, or celebrate your birthday on a weeknight.