Lost in Space: Dear John #0053

Dearest Ozzie Bear,

It must get very lonely out in space, just as it has gotten terribly lonely here back in Akron. I don't know how to tell you this, but our inter-planetary love affair is over (Houston... we have a problem ;$). I think I knew it was over when you made that ill-timed joke about my mother's weight issues. This must come as a shock to you, but after contemplating our future I have come to the conclusion that I am too good for the run-of-the-mill astronaut (a regular Dick Scobee!). I am returning the photo you sent me, as it will only remind me of the time I have wasted on you. Please do not try to contact me when you return to terra firma.

Hope theres no hard feelings,

Donna

P.s. Please return my Carol King LP's

Planet X Revealed!

In Space, often hypothetically regarded by scientists as a planet that has an orbit beyond the shores of Neptune, it is discovered that Planet X is, in actuality, only one of the many facets of Roger. When asked for his reaction on this scientific revelation Roger commented "am I surprised? Intrigued? Surprised again? Perhaps perplexed..." and then concluded, "No, no, definitely surprised..."

Though Elie Wiesel Was Our First Choice....

In Space, it's always night.

Is it me? Is it you? Who knows...Guess Who!!

In Space, game cards ACTUALLY talk.....

Painter of Light

In space, stars burn out but are quickly replaced with paintings by Thomas Kinkade.

The WAY-Uptown Man

In space, Billy Joel may sell out back-to-back nights at every major space station, but it's his impromptu appearances that make him a true, Universal Superstar....

Space Police Academy

In space, the Police will attend elite academies where they are trained to Serve and Protect, be bound by an unimpeachable Code of Honor and enforce the Rule of Space-Law fairly and equitably across the Galaxy. Equitably, therefore, the universe will be exploded in totality by Tackleberry.

No Cause for Bellobration

In space, Bello Nock can leap further and tease his coiffure higher but he cannot emphatically say, "Check these guys out!" while pointing at albino tigers because sound does not travel in a vacuum and tigers can't stand space helmets.

Space politics

In space, for everyone else’s benefit, the comedian Bobcat Goldthwait is declared an independent nation and a permanent and total embargo is being enforced by the United Space Nations.

And a one, and a Two...

In Space many of Earth's monolithic structures can still be seen. Egypt's pyramids, China's Great Wall, Kennecott's Open Pit Mine, and Chicago's Cubs... losing.

Nothing can stop......

In space, nothing can stop.......The Animal!!

Syphilis Invades Space

In Space, the posited fifth dimension will lead to a manifest destiny that knows NO bounds.

Three's Company

In space, the age-old controversy defining marriage as between a human and a human will finally be put to the test with the first union of a Man, a Man and a Machine.

Some things never change

In space, black is white, up is down, and short is long, but the power glove… is still so bad.

Kissing the Cook...In Space!

In space, all grills will play MP3s and all MP3 Players will make vegetarian shish-ka-bobs.

Stay out of the Space-Car Pool Lane

In space, mass transit is VERY dangerous....

Mothers, do not fear...

In space, after having his name exposed, Rumpelstiltskin decides to change his name to Rikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo so that no one can ever guess his name again. Meanwhile, the real Rikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo, knowing the dangers of having such a long name legally changes his name to Jeff. Currently, the dwarf formerly known as Rumpelstiltskin is believed to be at the bottom of a well somewhere and space is a little bit safer for all mothers and their babies.

A little history lesson

In space, celebrity fitness personality John Basedow will be the first person to find naturally occurring water, assuring man’s survival, and securing his place in space history.

Supper Time

In space, all meats will be served fried, deep-fried then chicken-fried. The potentially unlimited energy reserves of the sun will finally be realized as a power source for the Great Fryer in the Sky.

The REAL Captain

In Space there is only one captain and you can bet your sweet ass that he doesn't play ball.